Theater Etiquette

To honor the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr (or, as my 6 year old calls him, "Dr. King Luther ... uh ... Martin ... Jr?" with a look of utter confusion as to why someone would have quite so many names), my family went to the movies on Monday. Our small town theater is rarely crowded, but since it was a holiday and a kid movie, we weren't surprised to find that in order to get four seats together, some folks who were already there were going to have to squish a little. Fortunately, a man almost all the way in the back saw me doing a seating scan and beckoned us up, doing that total-strangers-sign-language thing that we all recognize to let us know that his family would move down one and we were welcome to come sit by them.

I mention him because I really appreciated that little courtesy, as it seems that people are really concerned about their movie buffer zone. I don't mind buffer zones when the theater is relatively empty, but I think if you go to a showing that you know is going to be crowded, you should gracefully accept the situation and be prepared to share an arm rest. Buying a ticket to the theater does not entitle you to an extra seat that you need in order to pile all of your coats or to just not have to touch another icky human. If it works out that way, great, but if you can't handle it, get a Netflix subscription or pick your showtimes wisely.

I also mention him because his courtesy was in stark contrast to several people who were sitting right behind us. Keep in mind that we're at Hoodwinked and being a parent, I expect a little amount of random noise from children. I'm definitely not of the expectation that children should be completely silent during movies - indeed, the sound of a kid laughing is one of my favorite noises, but throughout the movie, the people behind us - the ADULTS - spoke at normal conversational volumes. Discussions about the movie, the animation, the story line, the plot holes (it's HOODWINKED, for crying out loud), the music - it was like watching a DVD with director's commentary. There was also the seat kicking, my own personal super ultra extreme pet peeve. That came mostly from a couple of kids that looked to be perhaps 11 or 12, so way too old to not know better, but at least it wasn't the adults.

So, in light of the apparent fact that there are people out there who don't get how rude, crude and socially unacceptable our current slate of "acceptable" theater behaviors are, let me lay it out - and if you recognize yourself in any of these statements, then all I have to say is "you're welcome" because I'm sure you'll make an effort to do better in the future.

1. You're not in your living room, so be quiet. This seems so obvious, but perhaps as we progress through generations of on-demand and DVR viewing options it's gotten more conf. If you're confused on this point, I would offer this little test - if you had to pay money to go into a big dark room full of chairs, you don't have a remote control in your hand, and you didn't get your popcorn for free, it's not your house. You are in a movie theater, and you are in there with a lot of other people who did not pay to hear your comments. A few years ago my theater viewing of Fellowship of the Ring was practically ruined by a guy one row back who felt a need to explain every difference between book and film to his daughter. Just shut up. Talk later, after you've left the movie. If you can't remember what you wanted to say, that's just extra proof that your ramblings were unnecessary.

2. The seat in front of you is not an ottoman. This is an ottoman. If that's not a pretty reasonable facsimile of the fabric covered piece of furniture in front of you, don't put your feet on it. It's also not a wall, so when you need to adjust yourself, don't push against it with your feet. It should go without saying that you shouldn't be kicking it, but damn - DON'T KICK IT.

3. Movie theaters are not big trash cans. If you brought a big-o-tub of popcorn into the theater, surely you can haul the empty back out, and ditto with your soda kegs. Maybe you get a thrill out of making people clean up after you - or maybe you're just a big rude slob. Those are really the only two possibilities, so you decide.

4. If you know you have a bladder the size of a Tic Tac and have some control over your seat choice (I do realize this is sometimes difficult), please sit near an aisle. I promise the picture is not THAT much better if you sit in the middle of the theater and besides, the movie probably isn't that great anyway. Your enjoyment is not going to be ruined by sitting off to one side and the people you would otherwise have to crawl over will mentally thank you as they watch you head off for your fifth bathroom break.

Only four major rules. It's really not that difficult, right?

By the way - about Hoodwinked. Unless you have a Red Riding Hood fanatic in your house, my suggestion is to wait for the DVD. I've seen Shrek, I know Shrek by heart - this is no Shrek. It's not even a Shrek 2. The animation is amateurish, the humor is spotty, and it just doesn't have the wit of other recent animated offerings. It also has way too many musical numbers for my tastes. I'm sure my kids enjoyed it, but they didn't shell out the almost $50 for tickets and treats, know what I mean?