This is going to be disjointed .. fair warning. I'm still trying to put a lot of things together in my mind.

I went over to a friend's house this past weekend. She's one of those friends that I hold dear but don't see often. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I haven't talked to her as much lately because she is full of drama, and the reason I was there today was because of all of that. You see, she was taken to the hospital on December 23rd because her ex-husband found her with a gun in her mouth. She spent a couple of days in the hospital. I didn't know about any of this until I called to say "hey" a couple of weeks ago. That very scary and sad conversation had me on the phone with county agencies and suicide hotlines ("no really, it's not me, I'm calling for a friend") and trying to figure out what I can do for her.

In a nutshell, she lost her job about 10 years ago and hasn't had a steady job since. Her marriage went to hell (although she'd been talking about leaving him since I first met her 11 years ago), she was in a bad motorcycle accident that I think caused some brain damage, and she is now divorced and living on $300/month in child support. She is still in her home but it is on the market as part of her divorce settlement - for now, her ex is paying the mortgage and utilities, so she won't get any of the proceeds. When it sells, I don't know where she is going to live. Or how. She is on anti-depressants, is maybe 100 pounds overweight (and on blood pressure medication as well), and has bill collectors calling about her $50,000 or so in debt that she has racked up in order to support herself and in part because of just plain stupid purchases. Her car has been repossessed, her only transportation is a van her brother has lent her, and her sister - who is married to a man who molested my friend as a child - takes her to the military commissary for food.

Her son is having trouble in school, having issues with the divorce, and is going through puberty to boot. Her ex-husband (who really has been quite generous, all things considered) is living with a woman whose ex-husband is in prison for molestation and whose daughter is up on charges for a drive-by shooting.

There isn't much I can do for her except offer advice, but she is hung up on being the victim. On one hand, she knows that she has brought a lot of this on herself, but at the same time I think she needs to find something or someone to blame because she is incredibly proud and doesn't want to deal with her personal shame in bringing about her circumstances.

Since the scary call a couple of weeks ago when she hung up on me because she said I hadn't been there for her and she knows I don't like to hear personal problems - guilty as charged, to an extent, since I am always willing to listen until it becomes clear that the person with the issues is doing nothing to rectify their own situation - she has improved dramatically. Having a friend has made all the difference, since she has no other support group. Her brother's van is as far as he is willing to go, he doesn't know how to deal with her. Her sister doesn't know about her husband molesting my friend and is (I think) slightly "slow." Her parents are dead. Her other friends have deserted her.

I went over to help her go through a box of past due and collection notices. She's simply stopped opening her mail. Her credit cards are all at around 30% interest now because of late payments. Her phone rang twice while I was there - bill collectors. She looks like hell. She used to be quite proud of her appearance and has let it all go.

But - she was chipper. I went through everything, ultimately reducing the box to about an inch of the most recent bills and threats. It's now kind of in her court - she needs to call these companies and try to reduce her balances (often a credit card company will erase portions of your debt if they know you can't pay - you just have to ask, tell them that there's no getting blood from a stone) but I don't think that's going to be enough. She's going to have to file for bankruptcy, it is absolutely the best thing she could do. That and get a job. Unfortunately, I think her appearance might be a hindrance in that regard - fair or not, employers do look at appearance and being overweight indicates a lack of control. Don't blame me, the studies are out there.

I can't lend her money. I have my own obligations, debt from a messy divorce that I am still paying off. Besides, I have a feeling that she would use it to do something stupid like reinstate her full cable package, go buy a sports car, give a go at doubling it with online poker ... something. Frankly that would be an end to our friendship, and I don't want that. I also can't have her move in here - I can't have a near suicidal person in my home with my kids and besides, she's a "small doses" person. I couldn't listen to her go on about how unfairly her ex treated her for very long before I'd lose it.

I just don't know what else to do for her.

I guess all of this leads me here - "There but for the grace of God go I."