Luggage Lunacy

(originally posted somewhere else September 20, 2006)

Going on an airplane anytime soon? Be prepared to take a trip down the rabbit hole first. The definition of "security" and the process of achieving it has reached a level of absurdity that would make Lewis Carroll weep with envy, and it may make you weep with frustration.

My hometown is Denver, so I use Denver International Airport for most of my travel. There is another option - Colorado Springs - but overall I like the Denver airport. DIA is not a bad place to get stuck in this lunacy, if you must. The security agents keep the lines moving,the service is (in my experience) consistently polite, and I just like the place. I did, however, notice something on this trip. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm remembering incorrectly, but it seems to me that the screening operators have never been so uniformly old and white. The folks checking ID's and boarding passes are mostly of the same pretty African genetic heritage (I'm not sure what region) that I've gotten used to seeing at DIA, but the actual x-ray operators and searchers are all white. Period. I don' t know what to make of it, just something I noticed.

Anyhoo - to the ridiculousness at hand.

Before I went on my trip, I actually behaved like a responsible, law abiding citizen and checked the TSA website to make sure I wasn't bringing anything illegal in my carry-on luggage. Actually, it wasn't good citizenship as much as not wanting to see things get tossed out and really not wanting to check bags for a flight that included a very tight layover/plane change, but whatever. Point is, I ended up on the site, OK?, and what I saw made it clear to me that our terrorist priorities have shifted. Although box cutters are still not allowed - and really, I don't think anyone will ever expect box cutters to be OK again - sharp objects are maybe not so bad anymore.

Maybe the feeling is that in a post 9/11 world, a plane full of folks aren't going to allow a hijacking with small pointy objects. I understand that, even as I think to myself that the lingering box
cutter ban is therefore useless as anything other than a political statement. Among other things, the following are allowed:

• Knitting needles


• scissors


• screwdrivers


• wrenches


• cigar cutters


• corkscrews

What's not allowed on carry-on luggage, providing extra room in your bag for the above items? Any liquid or gels. That effectively knocks out all carry-on luggage for an overnight or even two night business trip unless you don't mind picking up at least some toothpaste on your arrival - which is wasteful for a short trip, since you can't bring it back either - or happen to have a supply of powdered toothpaste. It also makes carry-on travel for for most women particularly challenging, given all of our lotions, gels, mousses, sprays and makeup. I actually went shopping for some foundation in compact form becauseI couldn't bring my liquid stuff. I skipped all lotions since I wasgoing to a humid climate anyway, and figured my hair would survive a couple of days of hotel product (although hair spray was sorely missed in a sea level 250% humidity environment). Other than all of that, I managed to put together the rest of my toiletries with only one TSA violation - mascara. I had tried to find old fashioned cake mascara in town but was unsuccessful, and so I decided to take a chance that a sympathetic screener would accidentally on purpose overlook it.

No such luck. My makeup shunning, pale-lashed x-ray machine operator had my bag plucked right out of the line, and the next thing I knew, a kindly old (white) gentleman was removing my clothes and undergarments from suitcase and going through every item one at a time, looking for a liquid. I tried to direct him away from the mascara but he finally spotted it. Busted. THE MAN had found my contraband, and the mascara went into the trash. I was sent on my way.

After I put my shoes back on.

I got off easy, though. The woman being searched next to me lost half of her overnight back to the TSA and she was none too happy about it.

What I sincerely want to know now is ... how many hijackings have been launched from a tube of mascara? Is there some excised bit from the 9/11 Commission report that talked about how the bad guys on United 93 subdued the passengers with a particularly scary shade of nude beige oil based foundation?

"Don't be a smartass, it's about explosives," you say. Yeah well, bullshit. Saline is allowed, and so is baby formula, juice or bloodsugar liquids/gels (if you're diabetic) and KY Jelly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad those items are allowed. I used to wear contacts, have traveled with babies, don't think people should have to worry about vital medication being lost with luggage or too far away to use, and think that everyone has a right to lubrication, but the allowance of these items underscores what crap the restrictions are. Dangerous substances could be put in any of those containers, and if someonewants to blow up a plane, THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. So how are we any safer if all someone has to say is, "I need my lubricant." How are we safer if medication bottles can be brought on board? Are we really to believe that there is no possibility that a medicine will be replaced with an explosive?

And besides, it's all pointless. The next airline terrorist attack will be a chemical or biological agent. Mark my words. I have no doubt that the bad guys are smart enough to put a chemical or biological agent in a powder form (and remember - powdered makeup is fine, and nobody batted an eye at my baggie full of unmarked multi-colored supplement capsules), and they will just release it on the plane. The aircraft will then become a flying coffin that crashes unpiloted into a city, or everyone will get off the plane in seemingly perfect health but a few days later we'll have an epidemic. Personally, I think the former scenario is more likely because a Captain Trips "Stand" type of event doesn't distinguish between the faithful and the heathens, but you get the point. If the bad guys want to do bad things, they will simply find a way to do them within the parameters of allowable items set by the TSA.

Look, I have nothing against the folks who work at our airports. They are just doing their jobs and I'm sure they would be devastated ifa harmful substance or object got past them and was used to kill innocent people. Unfortunately these poor people have been set up for failure. Try as they might, the TSA screening process is not going to be where we catch the bad guys. They're part of the chain, no doubt, and I don't want the general screening process to go away, but the imposition of these absurd rules makes it look like they're the primary responders, and they just can't be.

Airport security screening wouldn't have stopped 9/11 - enforcement of INS regulations and a little more attention paid to and by our intelligence agencies and leaders perhaps, but not the screening at Logan. These new rules are an affront to common sense, and frankly, I give up. If at all possible, I'll just not fly. Not because I'm scared, but because I'm tired of it. There's no way that I can see to get out of the rabbit hole, no way to wake up.

Say hi to the Cheshire Cat and the Red Queen - they're in charge now. Get used to it.